Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
