he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
