I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
