you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
