Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
