I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
