apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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