So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
