Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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