oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
