There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
