my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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