I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
