bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
