i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
