She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
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Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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