Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
His hands were made for my vagina.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
