I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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