Fine. I'll sleep in my office
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
