Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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