i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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