Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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