then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
