My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
