So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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