sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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