So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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