Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
