WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
