Who wears a wallet chain?!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i love accidental penises.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
