i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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