what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
