if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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