How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
