You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
