At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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