Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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