i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
