I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
