I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
