P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
