FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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