You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
last night I used snow as a chaser
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