nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
