I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
