The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
