apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
