Sry I called you an 8
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
