I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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