in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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