he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
