he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
