I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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