I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
