Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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