You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
