Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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