Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so let's talk penis.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Randomize
