no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
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Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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