i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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