when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
